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Don’t Foist Me In
In the beginning of the last module, I alluded to outside expectations and stereotypes that inform our mothering. We could base an entire month’s work (or more) on exploring this construct – and likely will in the future – but let’s touch on it this week.
Return to your reflections of what it means to ‘mother’ and ‘mom’. Going through your lists or descriptions, consider which items are ones you feel are essential and ones you feel you should do. Pick two color highlighters or markers. Designate one MUST and one SHOULD. Color code your lists.
Laying both together again, do you see a patchwork or an overwhelming wash of one color?
Reflect on where the shoulds and musts originated. Do they have their source in you? Others?
Even when we focus on what unequivocally must be done in our role of mothering, we likely would be able to shave multiple items off that list. Undoubtedly some of what we’ve labeled as unequivocal has grown from a seed planted by someone else.
If we look closely at what absolutely, undoubtedly must be done, we must ask ourselves:
- does it need to be done now?
- what purpose does this serve?
- what is the motivation behind this act?
- what would happen if I/we don’t do this?
- how does this make me feel?
If you feel a sense of gratification or warmth or love, the task or action likely is a must in your realm of motherhood. If it fulfills a basic need for your child or family, it is a must.
If it makes you tense, feel less, anxious, angry, resentful – there is a good chance the task or action originated with someone else.
Often, we don’t even notice when outsized expectations and ways of being are foisted upon us.
I would argue that the deceptive nature of ‘foist’ is not lost in terms of the unrealistic and damaging expectations upon women today who enter into motherhood. I would argue that the unconscious socialization of women entering into the machine of motherhood makes them an unwilling party. Not unwilling in terms of bearing and raising children – but it terms of the mindfuck of perfect motherhood to which they are unwillingly subject.
And by whom?
It’s time to do a deep dive into what we hold dear as mothers and what has been forced upon us, inherited from others, internalized in guilt, and unrealistically expected.
I can’t tell you how to tackle this.
A list? A t-chart with what and whom on either side? A stream of consciousness outpouring of your greatest fears and insecurities? A manifesto of your worth and sacred spirit?
Perhaps this will take several sittings to unearth what has embedded itself subliminally in you.
Perhaps it will raise feelings you can digest only a small amount at a time.
Perhaps you will finish victorious, reclaiming a personal and powerful motherhood in which you can truly find joy.
It may be all of the above.
Instinctually You
“How it feels to be a parent and how it feels to do the quotidian and often arduous task of parenting are two very separate things.”
– Jennifer Senior
During the last module, perhaps you were confronted with some unpleasant truths about motherhood. I hope you were able to find at least some pleasurable parts of ‘mom’ing if not mothering. Bear in mind that we also do not mother in a vacuum. There are expectations and stereotypes around and over us that inform our own mothering – even if we do not subscribe to them.
With this week’s module, I’d like to see if we can’t step outside of those pressures and focus on our own experience and intuition.
For the next little while, forget the labels of mother and mom.
Think of the relationship between you and your child(ren). Not whether it is good or bad or indifferent. How the two of you actually relate to one another. One to one.
Relive or reimagine a recent interaction if it helps. A bedtime routine. Doodling on a blank placemat.
What unconscious acts did you do? How did you anticipate your child’s needs? How did you encourage and enforce your child’s authentic self? How did you create and feel connection?
Answer these questions to get you started – or simply recognize and record your own instincts below.
Perhaps the scene wasn’t idyllic. In what ways did your instincts help you defuse the situation? How were you able to redirect your child? Or build a framework for a future positive outcome?
If not, how will your instincts adjust for a future similar encounter?
If we trust in our innate ability to care for our child, we will fall into the relaxed, passive, naturally occurring beauty and resonance of being a mother/mom. Naturally ourselves, we empower our children to be naturally themselves.
What naturally occurring parts of yourself enhance your way of being with your child?
What do you bring to the table? The essence of you . . .
A Rose By Any Other Name
Within the framework of balance, we last reflected upon the meaning of ‘mother’.
With the graphic below, I want you to now define ‘mom’ – within the letters, in the swirls of sand and sea.
Lay your definitions of ‘mother’ from last time and ‘mom’ today side by side.
Do they overlap? Do two distinct meanings appear? Reflect on where they convene and converge.
When Nancy Darling, the developmental psychologist quoted last time, reflected on parenting, she recalled hard work, “the least pleasurable part of my interactions with them.” When asked to reflect upon what does give her pleasure, she responded thus:
How different these descriptions are than what may first come to mind when defining motherhood. Jennifer Senior and Darling stress the distinction between passivity and action. Senior states, “mothering and fathering aren’t just things we do. Being a mother or being a father is who we are.”
Revisit your definitions of ‘mother’ and ‘mom’.
Last time, I asked you to circle the least pleasurable parts of motherhood. Review these circled items. How would you categorize them? Are they chores? Are they sticking points with your child (or partner)? Are they merely actions needed to get through the day?
Now, underline the other items on your list(s). What is this other category? The passive? Just being and watching your kids be kids? Or are they a different sort of action?
You may see your list(s) split into action/inaction, enjoyable/unpleasant, etc.
Is the split down the line of mother vs mom – or do the lists merge and blur?
Upon inspection and reflection of your lists, take some time to free-write the feelings this brings up. This stays in your notebook for you. Be honest with yourself and your feelings about being a mother, a mom, or anything in between.
Chopping Potatoes 