To you who draw obscene pictures of target areas of your anatomy

To the teenage delinquents who practice the spelling of choice four-letter words

To the future pyromaniacs of America who melted a pothole into the slide

To the underage drinkers who left a bottle a few swigs short of empty by the jungle gym

I thank you

For enhancing my child’s playground experience

I thank you for questions like

What is that?

Why did mean people ruin the playground?

Why do people drink beer here?

I applaud your ingenuity at finding ways to feed your obviously repressed artistic talent,

your scientific aplomb at experimenting to find the exact temperature at which plastic melts,

your courage in fighting acceptable social norms for public drinking and congregation.

But, please, take your Miller someplace else and find some other way to live ‘the high life’ – and leave the playground to the kids.