I had a week.
Procrastinating. Avoiding. Yelling. Screaming. Swearing. Crying. In the kitchen. On the bathroom floor.
I don’t know if it’s better or worse to be so self-aware that you can head into a trigger-happy event knowing that’s what it’s going to be. Having been through similar high-stress events and knowing their effect on you, knowing this will be the same, what outcome to expect.
A few things happened differently this time, though. There were moments imbued with a strange peace. It was if I was able to step back and take those five minutes of stillness for what they were because I knew it was all I was going to get. I also may have actually written realistic to-do lists. Usually I have crumpled lists that guiltily glare at me for months following events I’ve hosted. This time I think there was one item I didn’t check off. One. That’s a freaking miracle.
I still freaked out on the crazy-all-out-clean-like-a-chicken-with-its-head-cut-off day before. I totally turtled the day before that when the sheer enormity of what I had to accomplish overwhelmed me. I still scrubbed the toilets the morning of. I still showered approximately 15 minutes before go-time. I still lost my shit because I had lost control of my universe and was unable to do it all and certainly not perfectly.
But . . . but there is that glimmer of hope for high-stress events to come. Perhaps I am finally learning to set realistic goals for what I can accomplish in a day. Again, miracle. Maybe I’m finally learning that scheduling something on the calendar – even something as simple as sewing a button on a shirt – ensures I’ll do it before it sits in a bag of projects to be done someday . . . that I then feel needs to be done before someone sees it in a corner on the day of the party. And, wonder of all wonders, maybe I’m finally allowing myself to sit in a moment, outside of what was before or to be.
I mean, it was still a week. This is no immediate or complete transfiguration. If you saw me sniveling on the bathroom floor Saturday, you’d not see any indication of this change at all. But there is hope.
There is always hope.