I woke up Mother’s Day morning to an empty house.
I’d sent my kids away. I’d made myself childless on the day meant to celebrate my being their mother (setting aside the original intent of Mother’s Day, of course).
I didn’t realize until it was too late that I’d robbed myself of the dry toast and tepid tea in bed. I worried that I’d ruined my mother-in-law’s morning by inserting four raucous children. I thought I’d gained a morning of sleeping in after a fun night out with friends – which was my top priority when babysitting became a possible overnight – but my eyes popped open inexplicably at 6:30 and I was up.
My husband and I had time to uninterruptedly discuss irritating things we’d been avoiding and got agitated. I worked uninterruptedly in the kitchen for almost five hours prepping the brunch to which I’d invited both our mothers, the muscles in my legs that didn’t get enough sleep twitching at me to sit down.
Still, I thought to myself, look at all you’re accomplishing without the children in the house. This is taking a while without them here; imagine how much it would take with interruptions. It actually boggled my mind that what I’d thought was a modest menu was taking so long to prep. Another recent window into what realistic expectations actually are. But I was doing it. I wasn’t losing my mind.
And then, as I entered the final stretch, my husband asked about the potatoes. The potatoes that needed to be scrubbed and chopped and roasted for a decent amount of time on which we were starting to run low.
As I cleaved into the dense sweet potatoes, feeling the solid thunk of the blade on the board below, the irony did not escape me. My quintessential metaphor for the struggle of motherhood, right there in front of me on Mother’s Day. Why the hell was I chopping potatoes on the day already fraught with unrealistic and unfulfilled expectations, sorrow and disappointment, fete tinged with personal feelings of failure? I just wanted a nice brunch for everyone and be done with it. Not think – of the magnitude of motherhood and its struggle.
I didn’t let my husband prep the potatoes like I should have – from either a need to control the size of the dice or to see things through whole since I’d prepped every other dish. But he’d taken over scrubbing the dishes for me – seeing firsthand what a PIA the caked-on pizza crust from two nights earlier was.
I didn’t go all out escapist as I cubed the potatoes as I may have one day. But I acknowledged that I was stressed by a full morning without kids. Which meant that I wasn’t just horrible at handling them and life; I needed to start expecting both less and more of myself.
The visceral memory of chopping potatoes may never go away, but this time it was a gentler reminder of checking my tension, setting (actually) realistic goals, asking for help; of actually voicing my needs and accepting the resultant offers of help.
We need to be as gentle with ourselves as we strive to be as mothers.