Tag Archives: Nancy Darling

mother vs self, Write to Heal

A Rose By Any Other Name

Within the framework of balance, we last reflected upon the meaning of ‘mother’.

With the graphic below, I want you to now define ‘mom’ – within the letters, in the swirls of sand and sea.

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Lay your definitions of ‘mother’ from last time and ‘mom’ today side by side.

Do they overlap? Do two distinct meanings appear? Reflect on where they convene and converge.

When Nancy Darling, the developmental psychologist quoted last time, reflected on parenting, she recalled hard work, “the least pleasurable part of my interactions with them.” When asked to reflect upon what does give her pleasure, she responded thus:

How different these descriptions are than what may first come to mind when defining motherhood. Jennifer Senior and Darling stress the distinction between passivity and action. Senior states, “mothering and fathering aren’t just things we do. Being a mother or being a father is who we are.”

Revisit your definitions of ‘mother’ and ‘mom’.

Last time, I asked you to circle the least pleasurable parts of motherhood. Review these circled items. How would you categorize them? Are they chores? Are they sticking points with your child (or partner)? Are they merely actions needed to get through the day?

Now, underline the other items on your list(s). What is this other category? The passive? Just being and watching your kids be kids? Or are they a different sort of action?

You may see your list(s) split into action/inaction, enjoyable/unpleasant, etc.

Is the split down the line of mother vs mom – or do the lists merge and blur?

Upon inspection and reflection of your lists, take some time to free-write the feelings this brings up. This stays in your notebook for you. Be honest with yourself and your feelings about being a mother, a mom, or anything in between.

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mother vs self, Write to Heal

Qu’est-ce que c’est?

As we saw with last month’s theme, achieving balance is often about moving between two poles.

Life-giving/

Procedural

Want/Need

Action/

Inaction

The poles may not be in direct opposition, but often, we feel discomfort if we stay too far to one end.

Keep this in mind as we move through this month’s modules.

Une

Consider printing out the graphic below for the next exercise or turn to a new page in your notebook.

Within and around the block letters of ‘mother’ or under your own heading, write down the meaning of this word. Words and phrases you associate with it. Actions or ways of being that define it. What it means to you.

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When you think you’ve written all your ideas down, leave your page for a bit – an afternoon, a day. Revisit it once that time has elapsed and add anything else that came to mind.

Deux

With your notes and ideas from the above exercise in hand, read what Nancy Darling, a developmental psychologist, said about parenting.

Do you have similar examples or ideas in your definition of ‘mother’?

Circle all the items on your list you would qualify as the ‘least pleasurable’ parts of motherhood.

Is your list or writing made up entirely of ‘hard work’?

What’s left?

Reflect on this for a bit. Write down your thoughts and feelings about this part of mothering.

Trois

In a quiet reflective state, ingest the following quote from John Lanchester’s memoir, Family Romance.

Place your ‘mother’ reflection in front of you.

In light of what you see as mothering, consider the following:

  • duty
  • care
  • hard work
  • want to do/have to do
  • dislike
  • doing the right thing

Write down whatever comes into your head. Let your ideas and feelings flow from your mind to your pen unencumbered. No thoughts, ideas, feelings are right, wrong, or permanent. Take stock of your relationship to mothering in this moment. Give yourself a fair amount of time to sit with this.

Perhaps you will need another sit-down with this later in the week.

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