Tag Archives: Jennifer Senior

mother vs self, Write to Heal

Instinctually You

“How it feels to be a parent and how it feels to do the quotidian and often arduous task of parenting are two very separate things.”

– Jennifer Senior

During the last module, perhaps you were confronted with some unpleasant truths about motherhood. I hope you were able to find at least some pleasurable parts of ‘mom’ing if not mothering. Bear in mind that we also do not mother in a vacuum. There are expectations and stereotypes around and over us that inform our own mothering – even if we do not subscribe to them.

With this week’s module, I’d like to see if we can’t step outside of those pressures and focus on our own experience and intuition.

For the next little while, forget the labels of mother and mom.

Think of the relationship between you and your child(ren). Not whether it is good or bad or indifferent. How the two of you actually relate to one another. One to one.

Relive or reimagine a recent interaction if it helps. A bedtime routine. Doodling on a blank placemat.

What unconscious acts did you do? How did you anticipate your child’s needs? How did you encourage and enforce your child’s authentic self? How did you create and feel connection?

Answer these questions to get you started – or simply recognize and record your own instincts below.

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Perhaps the scene wasn’t idyllic. In what ways did your instincts help you defuse the situation? How were you able to redirect your child? Or build a framework for a future positive outcome?

If not, how will your instincts adjust for a future similar encounter?

If we trust in our innate ability to care for our child, we will fall into the relaxed, passive, naturally occurring beauty and resonance of being a mother/mom. Naturally ourselves, we empower our children to be naturally themselves.

What naturally occurring parts of yourself enhance your way of being with your child?

What do you bring to the table? The essence of you . . .

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mother vs self, Write to Heal

A Rose By Any Other Name

Within the framework of balance, we last reflected upon the meaning of ‘mother’.

With the graphic below, I want you to now define ‘mom’ – within the letters, in the swirls of sand and sea.

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Lay your definitions of ‘mother’ from last time and ‘mom’ today side by side.

Do they overlap? Do two distinct meanings appear? Reflect on where they convene and converge.

When Nancy Darling, the developmental psychologist quoted last time, reflected on parenting, she recalled hard work, “the least pleasurable part of my interactions with them.” When asked to reflect upon what does give her pleasure, she responded thus:

How different these descriptions are than what may first come to mind when defining motherhood. Jennifer Senior and Darling stress the distinction between passivity and action. Senior states, “mothering and fathering aren’t just things we do. Being a mother or being a father is who we are.”

Revisit your definitions of ‘mother’ and ‘mom’.

Last time, I asked you to circle the least pleasurable parts of motherhood. Review these circled items. How would you categorize them? Are they chores? Are they sticking points with your child (or partner)? Are they merely actions needed to get through the day?

Now, underline the other items on your list(s). What is this other category? The passive? Just being and watching your kids be kids? Or are they a different sort of action?

You may see your list(s) split into action/inaction, enjoyable/unpleasant, etc.

Is the split down the line of mother vs mom – or do the lists merge and blur?

Upon inspection and reflection of your lists, take some time to free-write the feelings this brings up. This stays in your notebook for you. Be honest with yourself and your feelings about being a mother, a mom, or anything in between.

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