Is it Tuesday already?
It came as quite the shock this morning when I had to wake up and rouse myself and kids to face another school day. The holiday weekend seemed much longer than three days, as if we’d all already slipped into summer mode.
The long weekend was some weird sort of stasis. It was neither too long nor too short; not stupendous nor horrible. It was good. In the midst of PMS and prepping for my two-year-old’s birthday party, I managed to not lose my mind and then relax a bit and enjoy the rest of my weekend.
Yet, even though I cleared out a wood pile that had been lingering in the yard and set up my compost area; even though I cleared a garden bed and planted two long-waiting potted plants; even though I enjoyed laughing with my husband and girls as we ate our first outdoor ice cream of the season – my thoughts turned last eve to how it all may not have been real.
The fact that I survived and thrived may have been a fluke. The fact that I managed to not only be productive, but enjoy it; that I could not only enjoy my children, but feel joy with them; the fact that I wasn’t overly irritable, low, or unmotivated – I couldn’t just be in these wonderful feelings.
As I looked to a return to routine, I wondered whether I’d fail on my own. Without the buffer of helpers in the house, would I be overwhelmed with the task of caring for my little one? Would I feel trapped without the option of another set of hands if I had to tend to a household task or take a moment for myself? Would my mood plummet without the excitement of a holiday weekend and the drudgery of the everyday?
It is said that comparison is the thief of joy. Depression is as well. It’s also said depression is a liar. It is. It is telling me lies about how I may fail. And anxiety is helping spool out its prophecies far into the future.
I may have reached a point where therapies and supplements are finally coming together for my success. But I cannot trust that. If I do, the bottom of what I wish for so vehemently may fall out from underneath me. I may have just had a pretty great weekend. But even that, I can’t enjoy. Because I figure my balance is due and I must pay up at some point.
I look forward to celebrating the holiday where the right treatment and my own ability to sit in and take a moment for what it is converge; where no thing is the thief of my joy. That will be a true celebration.