Living, Photography

Scenes from September 6

My oldest and middle daughters used to hold their breaths as they passed this graveyard, something the oldest picked up from one of the other kids on the school bus.  As they learned the lay of the land, but hadn’t quite mastered it, they inadvertently forgot to do so one day.  When she lived to tell the tale, my oldest announced, we don’t have to hold our breaths anymore; nothing bad’s going to happen.

Not that I thought anything bad was going to happen, but I think I was holding my breath for quite sometime before I felt I had the lay of the land.  A year later and we all breath more freely. (except when we have trash for the dump in the back of the car, which was where we were headed when I made my husband stop for these photos 😉 )

Tell me when the cemetery's coming, Mom!

Tell me when the cemetery’s coming, Mom!

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Small is the gate . . .

Small is the gate . . .

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Dappled quiet light from above

Dappled quiet light from above

 

 

 

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Living, Photography

Rooms with a View

Scenes from September 5

The light pouring in the windows of this house is what sold us on it.  The view through those windows didn’t hurt either.

 

Where the treetops meet the sky

Where the treetops meet the sky

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As Hurricane Sandy rolled through, we woke to the tallest, skinniest pine bending back and forth in the breeze.

The solar hula girl whose hips squeak with each gyration.

The solar hula girl whose hips squeak with each gyration.

 

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Living, Photography

Scenes from September 4

The day of the insect.

I didn’t know it would be.  I hadn’t planned on it.

But as the sun peeked over the trees this morning, it illuminated a huge spider web stretched between two branches.  Upon closer inspection, I saw that they were everywhere.  And big.  And beautiful.

I know this is the time of year when I tend to find spiders smooshed into the smallest spaces and corners of our warmer-than-the-chill-outside-air house, but it seems like they are proliferating like crazy.  Or just enjoying a last hurrah at the end of the season.

Then there were slugs and fuzzy caterpillars lining the driveway.

So insects and arachnids abound.  They are my muse today.

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I love the way this one seems to be floating through the air.

I love the way this one seems to be floating through the air.

My children's literature experience with slugs is the ones fireflies suck the life out of and My Buddy Slug - revolting and endearing.  Don't know about this guy, but I do love his little antennae poking up!

My children’s literature experience with slugs is the ones fireflies suck the life out of and My Buddy Slug – revolting and endearing. Don’t know about this guy, but I do love his little antennae poking up!

fuzzy wuzzy was a hairy old man who wreaked havoc on plant life . . .

fuzzy wuzzy was a hairy old man who wreaked havoc on plant life . . .

 

 

 

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Living, Photography

Scenes from September 3

The first day of school dawned misty and mournful, just like the groan that came from my daughter’s bedroom as the alarm’s buzzer issued.  But the drive in was filtered by sunlight and these moments of clarity on the way home.

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Bi-way

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I loved the way the trees and various shades and textures of green filled the frame

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Time flows on, just like water, but there is the moment just before the plunge; the pause, the reflection, the leaves poised on the brink. And then the plunge.

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Living, Photography

Scenes from September 2

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Baby frog (or toad – the girls and I have not sorted that out yet) that started out on our porch, then hopped under the chairs, off the edge under the rail, onto the grass from the raised flower bed – all through which we gave chase.  Then most likely a  heart attack as my camera flashed at the poor little thing as I focused.  He looks huge here, but so tiny and delicate.

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I’ll climb the walls if I have to in order to get away from you people!

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A few mosquitoes, damp grass, the softly falling first leaves of the next season, a photographic excursion the night before the first day of school where time seems to stop, the season of summer suspended in its last breaths.

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Living, Photography

A Less Transitory Settlement

The 21st of this month marks a year in our new home.

A year ago, I packed my books into boxes, I read books on the subject,  I wrote volumes about the subject.

A year later and the air feels familiar.  The cool of a season I recognize in this place has arrived.

Which seems to me like the perfect time to reflect.

So I’ve decided to do a photographic series on my surroundings, seeing them everyday and for the first time, for this month of September, this month of settlement, that becomes less and less transitory the more it comes around.

Scenes from September 1

Scenes from September 1

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Identity, Living, Mental Health

Don’t Tell Me the Color of My Kettle

If we all had a blog,

 

If we all were totally honest with ourselves,

 

we’d see that we’re all fucked up.

 

If we all thought too much like I do

we’d all find things wrong with ourselves

 

foibles

traumas

quirks

ticks

conditions

disorders

addictions

manias

shortcomings

holes

voids

 

Desire = lack = psychological need

 

Anger = displacement = unresolved issue

 

Bravado = shield = vulnerability

 

Depression = apathy = absence of joy

 

The reasons are endless,

The outcomes innumerable,

 

If we enact a thorough examination of psyche.

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anxiety, Identity

Back to Nightmares

I taught for seven years seven years ago.

I still have back-to-school nightmares.

It’s the first day of school.  My new charges have entered the room, sitting wherever they want, class begins and they won’t stop talking.  I try all the little tricks in my arsenal.  Waiting silently in the front of the room, a glaring sentinel.  Looking at the clock.  Greeting them in my let’s-get-to-business tone.  Finally resorting to screaming at the top of my lungs while the party continues and I go red in the face.

What kind of year will this be if I can’t make them quiet down in the first minutes?

Now, I have this dream randomly whenever I’m experiencing a stressful time or approaching any event or new beginning with anxiety.  Seven years out and this is still my psyche’s go-to when it needs an exemplar of anxiety.

Last night, though, it changed.  I’m sure I had some flavor of the back-to-school dream because I’m anticipating my daughters’ return to school next week (any nerves they might have with the unknown of a new year and my own worries about the onslaught of morning rushes, homework duty, adhering to schedules).  And the start of my baby’s preschool, which I suddenly was wracked with guilt for last night (i.e. Shouldn’t I just keep her home with me?).  But it was different.  Decidedly so.

I’d gone to a school event with a colleague with whom I still keep in touch regularly.  Groups of kids ranged around a large space, seated at tables with staff interspersed.  They seemed to be grouped by their team designations.  The main event was food.  It was some sort of eating contest, as in who could eat the fastest or the most or something like that.  I bounced from table to table with no real spot to land.  At one point, I found myself in front of a turkey dinner, but quickly abandoned that when I found not one, but four consecutive strands of hair in it.  I asked if I got extra points for eating the hair.  Yes, this is the point at which I got increasingly snarky.

My former colleagues kibitzed together or mixed with their students in a way I could not as I no longer belonged to that club.  I didn’t know the students; I didn’t know the ins and outs of their day or of the school building at large.  I was no longer privy to the culture of the school and tenor of its staff.

I ended up extremely cranky and ornery, off to the side by myself under a tree.  Yes, the setting had morphed outside.  And the game had changed.  Apparently now it was some sort of role-playing game.  And I got to watch as my husband mock-proposed to another woman.

My psyche just threw me under the bus!  It went for the insecure jugular of losing connections, people I care for and who care for me.  My close ties.  My sense of belonging and acceptance.

It was no mistake that my subconscious served up this dream on the eve of another school year.  As my career and profession, teaching was (and still is) a large part of my identity.  At a time when structure is supposed to ramp up, I float listless.  Yes, mothering is a vocation.  But my charges are headed off to something other than them and me while I sit at home.

I need to find something new on the menu – other than hairy turkey dinner.

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anxiety, motherhood

A Note to My Children, Aged 34 and 7/8

Always wipe the table free of crumbs after dinner.  You will not have time to do it in the .5 second panic tomorrow morning when someone unexpectedly rings the doorbell.

Likewise with sweeping the crumbs that got knocked onto the floor.  Toys strewn across the floor you can blame on kids; crumbs may have been made by the kids, but people start thinking you’re unclean if you leave them lying around.  I know, it’s unfair.

As much as you enjoy staying in your pajamas, your flannels should not see 2PM.  It’s kind of hard to explain that away unless you’re sick – again, to the unexpected visitor.

Clean your stairs.  Well, the parts that don’t get swiffed clean by stampeding feet.  The corners where Dust E. Bunny and his wig making factory reside.  This is especially essential if you live in a cape like your mother has chosen to do two times over (!?) as your front door opens directly onto the stairs.

In other words, keep a modicum of clean in your house.  You know not when the unexpected visitor ringeth.

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Children, Living, motherhood, parenting

Legendary

If you’ve ever watched a three year-old dance, you will quickly realize that rhythm is innate.

Is it the way the earth turns below us, the pull of the tides, the swish and wash of our mothers’ womb that makes our bodies able to move in time to the music?

And what is it about growing up that makes us lose this innate ability?

If you’ve ever seen a thirty year-old twitch on the dance floor, you realize that some of us indeed do.

When we knew we would spend our lives together and started forming dreams of family, my husband and I imagined bringing our barefoot babies to outdoor concerts where we could watch them twirl and bounce them on our knees and hips.  When the time came, we were either too tired or it was the children’s bedtime or it was simply too much work to pack an army of little people and all their accoutrements for the park.

Three kids and several years later, we actually achieved some of that dream last night.

A local tribute band to Bob Marley and The Wailers was playing on the beach a town over from where we live.  A beach concert with a picnic supper would probably be enough to lure my husband and the music of one of my favorite musicians – albeit covers – was more than enough for me.  The kids were impressed with the novelty of sitting on the beach listening to live music, aided by the fact that they got to peer through their father’s binoculars to see the action on stage.  My eight year-old made me burn with pride, when just by the opening chords of a song, she said, “Mom, isn’t this one on your CD?”  She has a great ear for music.  She skipped through the waves crashing on the shore as the music played, her sisters quickly following her lead and soaking the one pair of clothes they each had.

photo courtesy of Tunes on the Dunes

photo courtesy of Tunes on the Dunes

Just as the riveting bass line of “Could You Be Loved” surged through the speakers, not one, but two daughters expressed the urgent need to use the facilities.  I heard what turned out to be the last song of the concert through the bathroom walls.  I hadn’t exactly envisioned this in my dreams of family concerts.  But it was a nice night with a good vibe and the girls were having fun by the water, so we decided to hang out and let the crowds disperse.  Many others decided to do the same and the band apparently decided to do another set.  I was psyched.  ‘Redemption’ from my bathroom run!

But my youngest was soaked and sandy, my husband was getting cranky at running interference with the girls, and the tide was coming in.  In resolute denial that I wasn’t watching a show in my peasant blouse cuddled with my fiancé on our Guatemalan blanket, I turned away from the shore in my mom capris, huddled with my toddler on our picnic blanket – determined to enjoy the show.

My husband finally sat down.  My older two finally buried themselves in the sand at my feet.  And I got to rock steady to the beat.  I was rewarded by deep tracks only on my Bob vinyl.  By the time the finale came, I rocked and bounced my youngest in my arms.  We had our own extended “Soul Shakedown Party” as the sun faded.  She laughed and anticipated my moves, bobbing her head one way as I bobbed mine the other.

Time seemed to stop.  No, suspend.  As the band played an extended version of that great song, the minutes spooled out with the sound, a treasured pocket of time where my daughter and I moved to the same driving rhythm.  In synch.  In tune.

I saw a mother a few blankets over rocking and bopping with her infant and I flashed back to the times I’d worn tracks in our living room rug doing the same thing.  It occurred to me that rhythm may be innate, but we help transfer it to our children.  Or make the tendency stick.  And they in turn remind us of our primal instincts.  The marrow of  our being, what we came into this world knowing and needing to do.

Moving, grooving, and enjoying the rhythm of life.

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