After I wrote my last post, I came across notes with the title of this entry.

From years ago.

Ironically, they referenced a book by Emily and Amelia Nagoski entitled, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.

Seriously.

I’d say you can’t make this shit up – but I literally did.

In fits and starts I have been working my way towards this puzzle – for years.

At the end of my last post, I said “I should go back to the beginning of this latest cycle”.

On some level, my mind, returning to that little coffee shop table repeatedly over the last few years, has known it needed release. That it’s been dragging around all the stress and feelings associated with that deluge of depression and fighting my way back to the surface. And three years ago, when I drafted this ‘mountain’ of notes, I even discovered a big part of why I haven’t been able to let go.

“Magazines tell us that if we just drink ten green smoothies a day, we’ll feel great and look great, our kids will say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and our boss will give us that promotion.  And if none of those things happen, it’s because we failed to drink the ten green smoothies; it’s certainly not because of systemic bias.
 
The message is consistent and persistent – whatever is wrong, it’s your fault.  It can’t be true that the whole rest of the world is broken or crazy; you’re the one who’s broken and crazy.  You haven’t tried hard enough.  You haven’t done the right things.  You don’t have what it takes.”

Amelia Nagoski, DMA and Emily Nagoski, PHD

It was in the months/year leading up to January 2020 that I made my first ever attempt at bullet journaling – and it was to track the administration of my natural supplements. Increase to two DHA, take Zen GABA twice daily, add 5-HtP. The fact that I hadn’t ‘cured’ my anxiety and depression just meant that I was adhering to the protocol closely enough. And so I went into logistical overload to ensure I’d given it my best shot.

And I realized two things. That the supplemental schedule was untenable with all that my day already demanded of me – and that it wasn’t enough. While it did improve or ameliorate certain aspects, it did not destroy my depression.

But why couldn’t I trust my body, my own intel?

Obviously what bothered me in 2020 and since then is much bigger than a slender bottle of petite pills.

I still must work on releasing the emotional gak associated with that transition – but it plays into the larger cycle of self-actualization and acceptance I’ve been working through for the larger portion of my life.

Message around the other side of the mountain . . .

Mental illness is not a failure on your part.