When we ACCEPT the role of mother, others EXPECT a whole host of duties and obligations to be met. Feeding (if from the body) and love are the only absolute definites by mom. There is no reason others cannot rally around mother to help fulfill the myriad requirements. Unfortunately, due to the myriad reasons discussed throughout this theme of modules, ALL of the expectation often does fall to mom – leaving little room for little else.
Of course a woman has an identity outside of mothering. Maintaining and nourishing that part of herself, however, often becomes one more responsibility for her to manage. In the daily onslaught of caregiving, it can sometimes be left behind.
Graeme Seabrook and Beth Berry both have done work describing women who one day find themselves with grown children and no sense of purpose. They both also support women in strengthening their personal selves alongside their mother muscles.
There certainly must be a way to embrace oneself while loving our children extravagantly – without leaving like Elena Ferrante’s Leda did for three years.
Or falling into mental illness.
None of the protagonists in the above mentioned plays are mothers – and yet part of their experience is familiar. Whether it be by her child, partner, or the patriarchy, every woman has felt she has not been sufficiently regarded at some point – or increasingly so with each year. And while this does not mean every one of them/us is descending into insanity, it is not outside the realm of possibility with repeated exposure and/or lack of change (systemic or personal).
If the discrepancies are too large between the expected version of ourselves as women/mothers and our reality, therein lies the rub. One that will rub us raw if we don’t find some way to bridge that gap. Or let that foreign shore drift farther and farther away as we move toward the who and what we want.
The crux of the struggle is maintaining, using, validating our voice.
Review your own performance as a mother:
- Is it dramatic? Or more authentic?
- Is your experience thus far what you expected? How about initially?
- What did you never expect?
- What have you accepted as reality, but do not like?
- Did you create your own vision of motherhood to accept? In some ways?
- What is one way you could be more supported?
- What is one thing you’ve made your own in motherhood? Excelling at it . . .
Chopping Potatoes 