Whether consciously or not, when our needs are subjugated, it is still impossible to do everything perfectly. And whether that failure brings us guilt or utter exhaustion, it was an unfair fight to begin with.

As I neared the end of an unpaid year of leave following the birth of my second child, I saw a colleague of mine who asked when I would be coming back to work. When I stated that I’d decided to resign my position to care for our two children, she said, “Must be nice.” Insinuating, I presume, that it must be nice to have the means to not return to a full-time position. The reality of returning would be putting infinite emotional, physical, and mental resources into a full-time job that would yield approximately half of my previous income due to childcare costs. For our family, and my sanity, it made more sense for me to resign and care for my own children.

Neither situation is necessarily a winning one.

And this example illustrates much more than the financial struggles facing mothers.

First, it exploits the perfect mother stereotype; that I somehow was doing something better or worse than another mother’s decision; adding a layer of judgment to a personal decision.

Then, it pits career/employment vs. caring for children. It shouldn’t be an either/or.

Which rolls right into shared responsibilities, or lack thereof, of maintaining a household/family logistics.

Perhaps if my employer offered reliable flexible working options, I would have been able to scale back or arrange my work hours instead of leaving.

If safe and quality childcare was affordably available, perhaps I wouldn’t have had to work full-time to receive a part-time wage while spending less quality time with my children.

Nevermind that our medical systems drop mothers six weeks after birth, shifting care solely to the infant.

What parts of the job of motherhood do you find impossible?

In the first ever Mother vs. Self workshop, we listed the duties and tasks we completed throughout a typical day.

Which of those things do you find difficult? Why?

Does the difficulty come from error in execution, a personal place for growth – or are you holding yourself to an impossible standard?

I want you to isolate two aspects of your daily mothering. One must be something essential that’s just difficult. One must be something that stems from an unrealistic unattainable expectation.

Once you have addressed these two prompts, take some time to plan for the future by writing/reflecting in your notebook. How can you plan for better support surrounding the first goal? How can you cut the second goal out of your life? What needs to shift in your feelings and self-perceptions to make either of those happen?