I just finished watching the latest season of Home for Christmas (Hjem til Jul on Netflix) in which Johanne continues her quest for her best mate. While the closure of finding said mate is certainly psychologically and emotionally satisfying, a la Hallmark heaven, the writers did well to celebrate her individuation and actualization before the final coupling.

Having both her future beau and her family affirm how very special she is, in ways that have nothing to do with beauty or societal successes, made my female-mother-of-four-daughters heart happy for the lesson the whole world could stand to hear even in this modern day and age. That there is more to self worth than suitability as and success in scoring a mate.

Still, in related news, as I watch said daughters navigate the romantic landscape, I have many thoughts about finding someone who treats one with respect and honor. Many. But I won’t do a deep dive. Not today anyway.

We’ll start with just a few guidelines to consider before entering into a relationship:

The Bob Dylan Test

Make a reference to a Bob Dylan song or lyric. See if they pick up on it. Or perhaps that’s level two. Maybe just ask them point blank to name a Dylan song. “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” doesn’t count. Also, be wary of information acquired only through Timotheé Chalamet.

* substitute any musical artist that shows good taste and cultural cred in your family as you see fit.

Physical Intimacy ≠ Emotional Intimacy

Just because a potential mate shows the ability to get jiggy with it, doesn’t mean all systems are functioning at a mature level. All muscles are not developed equally. Are the emotional muscles as developed? When I was teaching junior high, I used to say, ‘they aren’t coordinated enough to open their lockers, how can they be having sex!?’ Obviously different adolescents mature at different rates and in different ways. But I’m a firm proponent of not playing in the big leagues until all faculties are on board. Determine whether a potential mate is willing – or able – to go all the way in all the ways you need before making any decisions or taking any actions.

If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck . . .

It’s not always a duck. They may be doing all the right things. Opening the car door. Sending cute texts. Even bringing you home to meet mom. But is the Hollywood romcom treatment as two-dimensional as a movie screen? Does your potential mate understand what it really takes to make a relationship or are they going through the motions? Will they grow with you and the relationship? Or are you at least chasing after the same duck?

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So this got more serious than the original tongue-in-cheek tone I was going for, but I’ll bring back the humor (hopefully) with the following clip. Saying I wouldn’t share all my thoughts on the subject brought the catchphrase ‘don’t get me started’ to mind, which (incorrectly) made me think of Rodney Dangerfield. [Yes, I do know what his most famous catchphrase is; my dad was a big fan]. While fruitlessly looking for a clip of that, I found the one below, which is oddly, ironically of course, apropros.