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Author Archives: Jennifer Butler Basile
Impossible Job
Whether consciously or not, when our needs are subjugated, it is still impossible to do everything perfectly. And whether that failure brings us guilt or utter exhaustion, it was an unfair fight to begin with.
As I neared the end of an unpaid year of leave following the birth of my second child, I saw a colleague of mine who asked when I would be coming back to work. When I stated that I’d decided to resign my position to care for our two children, she said, “Must be nice.” Insinuating, I presume, that it must be nice to have the means to not return to a full-time position. The reality of returning would be putting infinite emotional, physical, and mental resources into a full-time job that would yield approximately half of my previous income due to childcare costs. For our family, and my sanity, it made more sense for me to resign and care for my own children.
Neither situation is necessarily a winning one.
And this example illustrates much more than the financial struggles facing mothers.
First, it exploits the perfect mother stereotype; that I somehow was doing something better or worse than another mother’s decision; adding a layer of judgment to a personal decision.
Then, it pits career/employment vs. caring for children. It shouldn’t be an either/or.
Which rolls right into shared responsibilities, or lack thereof, of maintaining a household/family logistics.
Perhaps if my employer offered reliable flexible working options, I would have been able to scale back or arrange my work hours instead of leaving.
If safe and quality childcare was affordably available, perhaps I wouldn’t have had to work full-time to receive a part-time wage while spending less quality time with my children.
Nevermind that our medical systems drop mothers six weeks after birth, shifting care solely to the infant.
What parts of the job of motherhood do you find impossible?
In the first ever Mother vs. Self workshop, we listed the duties and tasks we completed throughout a typical day.
Which of those things do you find difficult? Why?
Does the difficulty come from error in execution, a personal place for growth – or are you holding yourself to an impossible standard?
I want you to isolate two aspects of your daily mothering. One must be something essential that’s just difficult. One must be something that stems from an unrealistic unattainable expectation.
Once you have addressed these two prompts, take some time to plan for the future by writing/reflecting in your notebook. How can you plan for better support surrounding the first goal? How can you cut the second goal out of your life? What needs to shift in your feelings and self-perceptions to make either of those happen?
New Developments
It was nearly a year ago that I took a leap on a long held dream.
On three spring evenings with the whisper of warmth on the breeze, groups of brave and thoughtful women came together to contemplate how motherhood plays out in our lives – and how it intersects with our individual selves.
Often, it cuts those right off at the knees.
But we came together to assess, to process, and to move forward with more knowledge than before – including that we are in community with other strong women fighting the same battle.
The community aspect of these workshops is what touched me most.
In a role that is often thankless and lonely, authentic conversations spurred on by personal reflection are an amazing way to validate the woman/mother voice.
In September, with the knowledge that many mothers can’t get away or live too far away, I launched an online version of the workshops on this blog. I took the focus of an in-person workshop and broke it into four modules across a monthly theme. The thinking, writing, and reflecting done at one’s own pace and the conversation happening in the comments section.
My personal musings still lived in the Tuesday/Thursday (and occasional literary Friday) postings of the blog, free and available to all. The online workshops were housed in the Mother vs. Self subscription series.
The new iteration of the blog had some growing pains.
I know some readers were frustrated when they received an email notification of a new post only to click and not be granted access. Or to see the thumbnails of new posts on the homepage and not know which ones would be met by a paywall.
It was never my intent to alienate my supportive, dedicated readers, many of whom had been with me since the beginning.
This subscription thing was new to me, too.
It took me a bit to figure out the logistics, but I finally have two dedicated sides to Chopping Potatoes.
Thank you for your patience – and giving me a second chance if you were annoyed away by my faulty coding!
I love to write, but knowing my words strike a chord is reward as well.
Under the Radar
The stereotypical perfect mom, born of patriarchal standards, ironically only exists in its creators imaginations (and our tortured expectations if we let it). History, and often current attitudes, only see women when we provide an important service resulting in a desired product.
It is the needs and welfare of women, who also happen to be mothers, that go undetected.
The results of a 1933 British survey reported by Margery Spring Rice showed that the “pressures” mothers were subject to “meant their mental and physical well-being was being sacrificed.” One woman stated she felt “nervous and irritable and . . . unable to move or think coherently.”
Post-WWII tranquilizer use increased by women who “were facing a very real crisis of identity, of selfhood” after having “experienced the new responsibilities and relative freedoms of the war years” and then losing them to “the pressures of motherhood and homemaking”.
Sometimes women themselves conceal their needs under the radar.
Ironically, though their personal and emotional needs go unnoticed and unmet – often exacerbated by social conditioning – women have achieved advancements in the public realm: equal opportunities in employment and pay; equal access to educational and athletic opportunities; divorce rights and domestic abuse precautions.
Unfortunately, the increase on that end has not been mirrored by an equal and opposite adjustment of the labor and responsibilities associated with mothering. Conditions in the private realm have stayed virtually the same.
Have your needs have gone undetected?
In an environment that adds rights and privileges in the name of equality without reassigning expected duties, which of your needs have slipped under the radar?
Perhaps you first need to make a thorough reflection of what your needs are. Perhaps it has been a long time since you’ve asked yourself that question. If so, start there – by listing or meditating on your needs in your notebook.
Once you’ve contemplated what you need to feel whole and well, consider circling those needs that you meet on a mostly regular basis.
Perhaps you want to pause to meditate on what meeting each of those particular needs does for you.
Now, turn to those needs that are unmet.
Consider why.
Contemplate what their lack means for you.
Pick one and plan steps to meet it . . . this week, in a month, by the end of the year.
Your needs are valid, important.
You are worthy.
They, YOU are worth the fight.
Propped up by Patriarchy
Where did your picture of ‘the perfect mom’ come from? What sources or sociology helped paint it? Were your ideas strictly of your own thoughts and feelings? Or influenced by someone or somewhere else?
Could it be patriarchy?
So much of what we see in our society now regarding the roles of both men and women, fathers and mothers, is based on understandings of nature, physiology, and psychology.
“The struggle to escape the restrictions of society is part of what makes progress for both women and men so challenging. Some of that struggle is caused by underlying biology. While physical strength is no longer needed to govern, big seemingly strong men typically do. That biological difference, coupled with centuries-old cultural precedent, still holds excessive influence.” Leslie Lehr
It is ‘centuries-old cultural precedent’ like those cited in the timeline that keep women stuck in such restricted roles of motherhood.
It even keeps women isolated from each other.
If we orbit in a patriarchal sphere, governed by rules created by male rulers, it is the males who reward obedience to the system. And if they judge success, it does not foster cooperation but competition amongst similar contestants.
“Female bonding is extraordinarily difficult in patriarchy: women almost inevitably turn against women because the voice of the looking glass sets them against each other.” Gilbert and Gubar
And so, does this patriarchal poison infect even the most feminine process – that of growing and giving life? Of course it does. The ‘Mommy Wars’ rage furiously, pitting women against each other in comparison and competition rather than collaboration.
Even fictional literature addresses the isolation and rootlessness patriarchy has put upon women: case in point, Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte (as analyzed by Gilbert and Gubar).
Reflect upon the ideals of the perfect mother you recorded last week. From what roots of patriarchy did these come? From what male-centered or male-serving roots did those images and ideals sprout? Many of the ‘innocuous’ givens of motherhood, ones that we judge others on for adhering to or not, were born not of necessity, but some other sociological structure. Dig into those roots now and record them below. (Print the PDF if you’d like to label each root of the graphic)
Misguided Archetype
Much of my reading, writing, and research regarding motherhood shows either one or both sides of the juxtaposition of the expected appearance and behavior of mothers vs. the reality of, or how individual women would actually like to enact, motherhood. Women living motherhood right now often come up against this tension on a daily basis. In this module, we will explore the foundations of the fallacy of the perfect mother.
In 1941 Britain, as part of their welfare food initiatives, the Ministry of Food released this advertisement, urging women to best welcome their baby with “a beautiful body, a contented disposition and [as] a healthy, happy mother.” An actual advertisement for the “idea of maternal-health perfection”.
While this advertisement overtly exploits the idea of perfection for the sake of the offspring, it is but one block building the foundation of the misguided archetype of motherhood. Below are more contributing factors building the facade.
* above graphic inspired by information from Lehr and Cleghorn (see related reading) *
Post-war America (and Britain) in the 1950s was the fertile breeding ground for such an archetype – pun certainly intended, and some would argue socially engineered. Our soldiers were coming home, the roles that women had filled in their absence no longer went unfulfilled, and the population, affected by absence and casualties, needed boosting. Whether a Ruben-esque ploy to suggest fertility or stir soldiers’ loins, publications painted women as buxom nest-makers. A domestic intersection of motherhood, home economics, and beauty pageant.
So how did we get where we are today?
Obviously a lot happened in home life, work conditions, human rights, and legislation between then and now – and we will get into that in future modules – but history does form the basis for today’s image of the perfect mother.
What is your image of the perfect mother?
Not the standards you hold yourself to, not even the standards you feel you’re falling short of – because I assure you, you are not.
What does the term mean in today’s society and culture?
How has the illusory archetype of perfect mother been purveyed to you? Use the template below to capture words and phrases, expectations and ideals.
Inertia
Low pressure
in the atmosphere and in an indeterminate one of four tires
13 miles till empty
Critically low levels of battery life
The evidence amasses in the case against energy
A body at rest tends to stay at rest
in these days of the tail end of winter,
the cold strung out to a sparse thread of frost,
the wind a constant movement that won’t blow it away
Weak sun filters through a constant cast
Broken branches brittle and gray
join at intersecting angles
skeletal shapes the only thing of interest on the ground
And yet no where near alive
Italian Hospitality
Her kitchen is tiny – the size of a large cupboard – but perfectly arranged and stocked so that she has everything at hand when I drop by to discuss when we might make the said gnocchi. ‘Ora!’ she insists, unfazed by the notion of improvising a cookery class on the spur of the moment. ‘Now!’ She is already spooning coffee into the aluminum Moka pot and placing it on the stove: hospitality is, it seems, the first duty for every Italian.
A Year in the Village of Eternity: The Lifestyle of Longevity in Campodimele, Italy by Tracy Lawson
A New Day
I sent this horrible photo to a friend yesterday morning.
The lighting, composition, and subject were not the point.
The fact that the yellow-bathed counter was empty was the point. Devoid of dirty dishes.
And no, I was not bragging at my housekeeping skills; much the opposite!
I wanted visual evidence of this most foreign occurrence.
Time-stamped proof that at one point in time, however brief it may be, the dishes are done, man.*
A short time later, I also lit the wood stove from the previous night’s embers without a match.
It did occur to me that it may be my last day on earth.
Me being productive, successfully, consistently just doesn’t happen.
If I do the things, it’s usually the wrong things, done in avoidance of the things that should be getting done. Which as a mom is actually pretty easy to do without being caught out because they are so many feckin’ things to do.
But as this uber-meta book I just read pointed out, Hamlet says the mind is where no one gets away with anything – least of all on anal-retentive-perfectionist-with-a-penchant-for-people-pleasing-that-pushes-productivity planet.
And so, on days like this, when I do a lot of the things that should get done on the daily, plus things that were actually on my list, the warm feeling it engenders somewhere between my sternum and Adam’s apple is certainly foreign.
I know productivity does not equal worth and is not a requirement of rest, but whether it’s success that feels foreign or the new parameters I’ve finally adopted and embodied for myself after logically knowing them for awhile now, it feels like a new day.
I even did all.the.dishes last night.
And, yes, as I type that, I’m fighting the urge to duck under the table to hide from the obviously imminent lightning bolt about to zap me in half.
Foreign feelings take a while to feel familiar.
Hopefully it’ll take awhile for the dishes to pile up again, too.
* bonus points if you know from which 80s teen movie that line comes
Synchronizing Self-Knowledge
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